Christians believe that Jesus is coming back, but what exactly does that mean? He’s Risen explores Jesus’ glorious return in several irreverent ways. Let’s read from one that has Jesus coming back as a zombie to fest on the flesh and blood of his followers!
Mr. Deadman also looks at a list of over twenty people that claimed to be the messiah. That’s right, Jesus has already returned, like a number of times. Not only that, but some people a live today claim to be the reincarnation of the son of God. I know it’s hard to believe, but so are talking snakes, a wooden boat that can hold ALL OF ANIMALS, and turning water into wine.
Little Sally pushed and shoved her way through a pack of toddlers that aggressively fought for the same target: the blotch of purple that poked through the blades of grass. She grasped a handful of Blonde-y Locks’ hair and tugged without mercy. The girl’s scream was followed by a retaliatory elbow that failed to strike pay dirt. Sally reached out for little Timmy and planted an open palm in his face. His jaw crashed down and clenched the fat of Sally’s palm. She powered through the pain and forced his head back with a violent push.
Little Timmy fell backwards and hit his head, but she did not seem to care. Her tiny black shoes stomped into the dirt and kicked up grass as she raced past the others. She wedged through the pig-nosed, pudgy twins with a sharp elbow, and knocked the wind out of them. The fat little piggies grabbed their sides in agony, but their cries only seemed to empower Sally. Like a raging bull, she plowed right into the legs of a girl twice her size. The girl flipped backwards and busted her ass. Sally closed in on her target. She reached out with a greedy little hand and nabbed that plastic egg from its grassy cradle.
She pushed on the egg to crack it open when all of a sudden a shadow loomed over her. Her black hair fluttered in the wind as she dared to look up at a towering figure draped in tattered robes. Long, mangled, greasy hair flowed from his scalp. A thick unkempt beard swallowed his jawline.
“Jesus?” The word escaped her mouth, while a foul odor crept up on her. “Ugh, Jesus, you need a bath!”
The other kids, Blonde-y Locks, Timmy, Piggie Twins, and the tall girl, gathered around Sally and took turns vocalizing their disgust at the horrid, stomach-retching odor. “Whoa, is that Jesus?” they asked, except for the tall girl. She stood with her arms crossed and said, “You’re all idiots! There is no way that guy is Jesus.”
“He has the hair of Jesus,” said Blonde-y Locks.
“He has the beard of Jesus,” said Timmy.
“He has the robe of Jesus,” said the Piggie Twins.
The tall girl shook her head. “He’s not Jesus. He’s a bum.”
“What about his hands?” asked Sally. “They have holes in each of them. Just like that naked man on the cross.” She poked a finger through the hole in his hand, and a sudden surge of excitement washed over her. “This is Jesus, you guys! We found Jesus!”
The figure did not even acknowledge her. He stared at the horizon with a dark gaze, as if locked on to specific target. Little Sally tugged on his dirty robes. “Are you okay, Jesus?”
He bent his neck forward to look at her and as he did maggots fell from his hair. “Eewww, gross! Jesus, you might need to go see a doctor,” said Sally, while the other kids ran away scared.
He stared at her and sluggishly opened his mouth. A stream of green vapor escaped from the orifice. “My flesh. My Blood.”
“Come on, Jesus. Let’s get you a bath,” said Sally. She grabbed the figure’s hand and dragged him. He was stubborn, but his legs eventually found momentum as little Sally ran out from the behind the foliage and towards the church.
The screams and cries of children fighting over plastic eggs wasn’t enough to distract the gathering of pastel sweaters and summer dresses from conversing over hors d’oeuvres and tea. But the awful stench that suddenly fell upon them penetrated through their vainglorious space and won their attention. The smell of a rotting, bloated carcass invaded with such dominance that some knelt in pain, while others vomited. Those that had enough composure fixated their abhorrence at little Sally and the figure.
“What in God’s name is that thing?” asked the reverend.
“Hey, everybody, guess who I found?” asked Sally, as she approached the apprehensive crowd. “It’s Jesus, and he could really use a bath.”
The congregation erupted in whispers, while the reverend attempted to ease their concerns. He approached Sally and the figure. “This is not Jesus. This is a homeless man.”
“No, it really is Jesus. Look, his hands have those holes in them,” exclaimed Sally.
The reverend stepped closer to the figure and inspected his hands as if searching for the slightest flaw. “Bah, just some sick trick. That’s all this is. Just some sick trick. I was going to offer a bath for this unfortunate man, but I see he’s more interested in playing sick jokes.” The reverend studied the dirt and cracks of the figure’s face. His eyes followed him like a predator. The reverend frowned with judgment. “Nothing but a sick joke.”
The figure raised his arms and spread them out like Jesus on the cross. His mouth opened to release a low guttural moan. “My flesh. My blood.”
Some among the crowd knelt down like a slave in servitude, while others were frozen with fear.
The reverend turned his back on the figure and spoke to the congregation. “Don’t listen to this man. He clearly needs help, but he is not Jesus Christ.”
“My flesh. My blood. I want it back,” said the figure.
The Reverend looked at the figure and forced a smile. “Too bad for you, you missed communion. Why don’t you come back again next Sunday? You know, after you clean up and all.”
“My flesh,” grunted the figure. He grabbed the reverend’s head and chomped down on his face. His yellow teeth tore through his fleshy nose. “Jesus! What are you doing?” cried Sally.
“My blood,” said the figure, as he drank the blood as it gushed in thick rivulets from the reverend’s mutilated face.
The reverend screamed in agony, but the figure did not seem to care. He wrapped his dirt crusted fingers around the reverend’s jaw, pried it apart and devoured the slithering tongue.
“My words,” said the figure.
“Jesus, you can’t go around killing people,” said Sally.
Engrossed with sudden panic, members of the congregation fled to the shelter of the church, while others retreated to their cars. The figure pointed at a man dressed in pink pastel and khaki as he neared a silver BMW. Without warning, a bolt of lightning crashed down from the heavens and the man exploded like a blood bag hit with a sledgehammer. The onlookers stopped in their tracks and bolted towards the church.
“It’s not killing. It’s Judgment,” said Zombie Jesus.
The figure ascended the steps of the church and ripped the wooden door off its hinges. People hunched over in fear, while those towards the end of the hall tried to sneak away. He crossed the threshold, grabbed the closest arm, and tore it right from its socket. He raised the severed limb above his head, and drank as the blood poured into his mouth. He then flung the dangling limb around in a circular motion and released it at the crowd.
The people tried to flee, but the space of the hall was too narrow, and the crowd was too dense. They began pushing and shoving as they fought frantically for their lives, and while doing so the monstrosity severely maimed another victim. The urgency was too great and the momentum too strong, the congregation trampled over their own without any regard for safety. Little Timmy was floored and stomped over like putty. An elderly woman with a walker was thrown aside and bulldozed like dirt. The Piggie Twins were knocked unconscious and someone hurled them towards the Zombie Jesus as if it would buy them time. But Zombie Jesus passed the Pudgy Twins as they cried on the floor. He ripped into the man’s chest with his hands, pulled out a beating heart and chomped on it like a juicy grapefruit.
“Jesus, stop,” yelled Little Sally, as she trailed behind. But Zombie Jesus did not stop. His rage and strength only seemed to grow with each and every victim. One at a time, Zombie Jesus slaughtered the people as he made his way to the altar where a trio of survivors huddled together, begging him for mercy. Hot tears rolled down from their pleading eyes. Words of servitude poured out from their beseeching mouths, while they threw themselves at his feet.
“Jesus, please don’t kill them,” cried Sally.
“I won’t.” Zombie Jesus slit his wrist with his fingernails and asked them to drink, and like obedient slaves, they did without any hesitation. Each one took their turn to drink from his wound. The first survivor to drink the blood of Zombie Christ convulsed and defecated herself.
“Jesus, I thought you said you wouldn’t kill them,” cried Sally.
“I did not kill her. Her sins did,” he said.
Zombie Jesus brought his wrist to the other survivor and told him to drink. The second survivor did as he was told and experienced a violent implosion that shot a stream of hot blood out from every orifice.
“Jesus Christ,” yelled Sally. “What are you doing to these people?”
Zombie Jesus walked over to the third and last survivor. She tried to squirm away, but he grabbed her by her face and placed his bloody wrist above her mouth. The third survivor, though very reluctant, opened her mouth and swallowed a mouthful of HIS blood. He smiled at her while waiting. A minute went by and Zombie Jesus marked her forehead with a bloody cross.
“Jesus, you’re scaring me,” cried Sally.
Zombie Jesus knelt before Sally and placed a bloody finger on her forehead. “Don’t be scared, child. I’m taking back what is mine, and my followers shall join me.” He marked her forehead with a bloody cross and watched as her eyes went completely white.
He’s Risen is the most sinister issue of Deadman’s Tome yet! Page after page of unholy blasphemy to satisfy your wicked little heart. Tales of zombie Jesus eating church goers, baby Jesus VS a priest, a showdown between Jesus and Moses and more. Much more!
He’s Risen is an irreverent collection of blasphemous horror perfect for those with a sense of humor. In this collection, zombie Jesus returns to feed on the people, baby Jesus gives it to a priest, Jesus and Moses have a showdown in an end of days biblical apocalypse, and more. Much more.
Deadman’s Tome is holding an art competition. We are looking for artwork inspired by the issue ‘He’s Risen’, which features tales of zombies, Jesus as a zombie, Jesus hunting zombies and more.
The competition will run from April 1st, 2017 until April 14th, 2017. There’s no entry fees. Only one piece of art/entry per person. Please send artwork as an attachment to Roberta18@ymail.com. In the subject line, write Art Submission: “your surname”. In the body of your email please state which story your art work was inspired by (if any), and your name and the name you wish to be credited as, if they are different.
Art will be posted on the Deadman’s Tome website and winner/s will be determined by voters. The winner receives a free He’s Risen mug, and their art work as a poster.
My wife saw this on her Facebook feed and she was like the person that posted this Trump\Jesus meme is an absolute idiot. My wife isn’t the sort to really give a damn what people post. But I have to agree, this meme has to be the dumbest thing I’ve seen in a while.
During Barack Obama’s inauguration, religious groups gave him, his family, and America their blessing. The Trump inauguration was no different. If you think for a second that America had abandoned Jesus and religious influence, then you’re an idiot.
More importantly, Trump becoming president is not a symbolic gesture of Christ returning to the Whitehouse. It might mark the beginning of the end or the dawn of a political shakeup, but the orange idiot of a president is not the second coming of Christ! Anyone that believes that is fully mental and should be locked up.
God is so awesome and merciful that he decided, out of the kindness of his heart, to resurrect me from the dead. Except, that he forgot to fix my brittle bones, heal my decaying flesh, and cleanse me of my horrid odor.