Repeat after me: Satan is your friend.
They say you need to keep your soul to get to heaven, but I say sell that thing and bring the heaven to you. It also sounds like the other guys are in the soul buying business, too. They just require that you go through the all the crap they give you, all the crap life gives you, while hoping and praying. Satan, on the other hand, is a businessman and will help you get what you want, live the life you desire, all for the same price as the other guy.
Ten sinister stories about all things having to do with or influenced by the big man down stairs, Satan!