Ode to Krampus – Clive Carpenter

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Ode to Krampus

Clive Carpenter

T’was a week before Christmas,

Deep down in the hood,

When me and my gang

Was up to no good.


We had just hit Pete’s liquor store

Right down the block.

Stitch capped Pete with his 9,

And I with my Glock.


I cleaned out the drawer,

Took all the cash,

And Stitch grabbed a 40

Before makin’ the dash.


We ran down the alley

Like 2 bats out of hell;

Our 6th hit this week

And nobody would tell.


As we got closer to our homies,

We saw them all scatter.

And Stitch and I stopped

When we saw what was the matter.


This big-ass motherfucker

Came out of the dark

And his eyes glowed blood-red

As he started to talk.


He said, “I am Krampus”,

In a freaky-ass voice.

“And I see you’ve all been

Some very naughty boys.”


This fucker was huge,

Over 7 feet tall,

And he looked like a devil,

Nasty horns and all.


Chains hung ‘round his body,

They clanked when he moved.

And his knees bent backwards

And he walked on two hooves.


He was covered in fur

From his head to his tail.

And his mouthful of teeth

Were sharper than nails.


And to prove to us all

He wasn’t playin’ around,

He started fucking us up

Without making a sound.


With one giant hand,

He took Willie by the throat

And ripped out his spine

While he struggled and choked.


There was 6 of us left,

And all packin’ heat,

So we cut loose on Krampus;

Knocked him off his feet.


Krampus was on his back

As we all gathered ‘round

To get a look at this devil

So easily gunned down.


And that’s when it happened,

This part kinda sucked,

The razor claws of Krampus

Spilled all of Rico’s guts.


Then, the devilish creature

Smiled and spat,

And laid there and laughed

While we emptied our gats.


On his feet, once again,

With a clawed hand he slashed

And Smoov’s bald head

Flew off in a flash.


Slick Joe just stood there,

Frozen with fright,

So Krampus chewed off his face

With only one bite.


Then Big D tried to run,

But he didn’t get very far

As Krampus used a chain

To yank off his arms.


He ripped open D’s chest

And tore out his heart,

And looked at me and Stitch

But we got a head start.


We jetted down the alley,

Back toward the street,

But Krampus cut us off

And Stitch fell at his feet.


Grabbing a handful of hair,

Mighty Krampus lifted Stitch

And ripped off his head,

That son of a bitch.


He tossed me the head

And I caught it and yelled,

“You’re not taking me, bitch!

You can go back to hell!”


I dropped Stitch’s head

And went for my Glock

But Krampus was faster,

Which wasn’t a shock.


He stepped to me quickly

And spun me around

And with a snap of my kneecaps,

I was flat on the ground.


I screamed and kicked

But nobody could help

As his claws gouged my eyes

And he ripped off my scalp.


So heed my warning, asshole:

Don’t be a punk bitch,

There’s no escaping Krampus

When you’re on the naughty list!


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